Being a Missionary is one of the craziest things. On the Fourth of July, a drunk guy was hitting on my companion and I and kept asking us when we get off work. We had to explain to him that we never get off work. We have a 24/7 job for 18 months straight. He was dumbfounded. We had to explain that to people a lot. We also had to tell them that we were there to talk about Christ and his gospel, that was it. They always thought we were crazy, that our church was crazy for asking us to do this. What they didn't realize is that we were actually devoted. We knew so well that this gospel is true, and not just for us, but for everyone, that we asked to do all this. The Church didn't ask us to do it, The Church didn't pay us to do it. We applied. We wanted to do this job. We desired bringing the truth to everyone, and we didn't care where we went, as long as we could do what we came to do.
I realized all of this in the MTC. I met my district, and suddenly we were all best friends. Seriously, it was very rare that all seven of us weren't together. We ate together, studied together, did laundry together, e-mailed together, shared treats and thoughts. Our teachers encouraged this camaraderie. They taught us some of the most amazing things. A lot of things that I will never forget. They taught us how to teach, but even better, they taught us how to serve and love. They taught us the true characters of missionaries, which follows closely to the true characters of Christ. I couldn't get enough. I just wanted to learn all day every day. I wanted to read my scriptures whenever I could. I think I said about 342 prayers a day. We were all exhausted. Elder Shirk pointed out that we should be tired, because our spiritual bodies are bigger than our physical bodies, and because the Spirit is, not only constantly with you, but strongly with you, it uses a lot of energy. I loved that. My spirit grew so much in those 12 days. I was given a leadership position, and while I knew I would be a total greenie in the field, I was so confident that I would be a good missionary. How could I not be? The Lord is totally on my side, I'll be guided by him, so how could I fail?
When we got to the field, I was exhausted. We woke up at 2:30 AM and were on the bus to get to the airport by 4:30 AM. Soon after that we were on a plane to Spokane. I was tired, nervous, and excited. Elder Porter was talking to all sorts of people at the airport and I was totally jealous.
We landed and met our mission president and his wife, the Mullens. They were so great. I was so excited to serve with them. I was a little more nervous, but still going strong. We met our trainers the next day and were off to our areas. Plummer is small, it's an Indian Reservation. It's so humbling and I just loved it.
But after the first day of proselyting I was crying in the car on our way home and I had no idea why. I honestly couldn't figure it out. I thought I was just overwhelmed. We went home, and finished the day, and I couldn't stop crying.
The next day I was crying again. coupled with nausea, and a headache. I realized my body was trying to tell me that it didn't want to proselyte. I tried to calm myself down. I thought I was just stressed so I looked at the adjusting to missionary life booklet they gave us all. On the page with stress levels, it breaks it down by color. It goes Green which is solid, Yellow, which is a little stressed, Orange, Which is really stressed (Call your mission president after 3 days) and Red, which is really bad. You have to call your mission president immediately. I realized I was solidly in orange. I felt terrible. I was so sick. I tried to redouble my efforts and tried to be more obedient. I ate because it was on my schedule, but I pretty much ate a granola bar for breakfast and an apple for lunch. My appetite was non existent. (Thats how I lost all that MTC weight...) After day 3 my companion insisted I call sister Mullen. I did as she said. I was told to call and make an appointment with a counselor at LDS family services. I called and left a message.
The next day was a Saturday. I had slipped into the Red Zone. I've never felt so helpless in my life. My companion called Sister Mullen who had me call a retired psychiatrist. I did so and he talked to me for about an hour. He told me it sounded like depression. but also told me to get a second opinion. I have never been told I might have depression in my life. On the contrary, I've always been told that I'm so happy all the time, that I'm always smiling. It was so strange.
Sunday was worse. I went to church, we did what we needed to, but I wasn't there at all. I was so far gone. By P-day I was just utterly anxious to talk to the counselor. I needed to get over this bad week so I could keep working. We did a lot of fun things, but I wasn't able to enjoy them. I was nervous around other missionaries, my chest was on fire, and I still had no appetite. We left Ceour d'Alene at 4:00 so we could get to Spokane by 5. We got there and I met Brother Richardson the counselor. After talking to him for a half hour he said he didn't think it was so much depression and acute anxiety disorder. We talked for a long time. He explained some things to me, and then told me that anxiety is treatable in the mission field, but that it's really hard to treat. That my best option would be to go home and get treated. If i wanted to come back after that I would be more than welcome, but again, it was all up to me.
I went home. I prayed. I talked to Heavenly Father a lot begging for him to tell me what to do. Begging, as i had so much that week for this to go away, and for me to be comforted. I fell asleep with tears in my eyes and a prayer in my heart.
The next day wasn't so bad. It wasn't good, but I thought I might be back in Orange. Maybe now i was going back down. maybe in a week I would be in green!
I was wrong.
The next day I was in Red again. I couldn't even get through personal study. I called Sister Mullen who told me it was time to talk to President Mullen. He asked me what I wanted to do and without knowing what I was saying, I heard these words come out of my mouth: "I have prayed about it, and President, I think I need to go home." I started to cry (again)
President said: "Good, because that's exactly what I think as well."
He reminded me that this was God's plan for me. He told me my parents would call later, and that I would be home in the next two days.
My parents both called me that day. I bawled through both conversations. It was then that I knew I would be better off going home. It was then that I knew I have such an amazing support system.
My last day in Plummer, my companion and I felt urged to go knock on a door. Sister Ridge was so excited to get this prompting. I felt nothing. We knocked the door and the lady who answered was really rude. She was insanely uninterested and we got a door slammed in our face. A lot of the time when things like this happen we wonder why we got the prompting to begin with. Sister Ridge told me this:
Sometimes I think Heavenly Father likes to test out our obedience. He gives us something like knocking on a door so that he knows what we're willing to do for him, just so that when something big comes along, he'll know he can rely on us to do it.
I have thought on those couple of sentences Sister Ridge said to me a lot since I've come home. I may have only served a three week mission. I may have this crazy trial that came from it, but at least, if anything, I have shown obedience to my Heavenly Father. at least now he knows just how much I'm willing to do for him, and maybe he can rely on me for more.
The plane ride home was terrifying. Every ounce of anxiety in my body was on edge. It took every ounce of willpower I had to get on the plane by myself. I clutched the arm rests and tried to relax, but it was so terrifying.
Getting off the plane and seeing my Mom run towards me was one of the most comforting things in the world. We hugged, we cried, and we agreed we would figure this out. A lot of that anxiety build up melted away. I was hungry.
Since getting home, I have felt so much love and so much support. Between friends, families, and acquaintances, I have never felt so loved. I have had so many encouraging words being said to me every day. I have seen a counselor and will continue to do so as long as I need to.
I am trying to do as much as I can without medication. My counselor said she doesn't quite think I need it, and I'm taking her word for that.
For now, I'm taking the time I need to recover. And for now, I'm going to be all right.
Love always,
Haley
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